Again I don’t know what I’m going to write. Since I told people about this blog last weekend, I have had some people follow me. And while it’s great and I am thrilled, I have also not written anything since then. Frozen by fear.
I’m completely worried about what they will think.
I was taking a meditative nap this afternoon because I finally hit my numbers for the quarter and year at around 12:00 PM today. It’s been a stressful year. But I was successful 4 out of 4 quarters. And, it’s only December 19th. I did it early. It is so freaking great I can hardly stand it. Last year I missed fourth quarter so this year is REALLY REALLY A BIG DEAL FOR ME.
Anyway, as I was saying (I had to rationalize taking a nap in the afternoon), when I finally closed my eyes, lying on my couch, I could feel my heart racing. There was no reason for this. I was tired, calm, enjoying the sound of the waves outside, and under my nice fuzzy blanket.
The problem: I had started thinking about what I could write. And worried about whether people would like it. What if they first look at a blog entry that they don’t like? They will be turned off forever. What if they don’t like that I mention Landmark Worldwide? What if they think I’m just a complaining loser?
And on and on and on………..
I know I’ve had this realization before but it doesn’t seem to have mattered. So I started wondering………………………..
Why does it matter what people think? Why should I be so freaking scared about it? Here is what I realized:
I’ll probably never really know what anyone thinks
What they think for the most part doesn’t even affect my life
I can’t control what they think even though I may think I can
They will think what they think regardless of me
They are not responding to me
I don’t even really know who THEY are
I’ve spent so much time worrying about trying to get things right and there really is no right to get actually
Even if I got everyone to think well of me, would it even actually benefit me in any way – especially given all that hard work and having my life devoted to that cause?
I would say NO NO NO NO NO.
So, where does that leave me? Good question.
I can play a different game. I once played the game of trying to get people purposely upset so that I could grow out of this. Obviously it didn’t work and I subsequently forgot about it.
I could play a game of “saying what I don’t think I could say because someone might get upset or mad” which is a little bit of what I’m already doing (saying what can’t be said) in a more specific way. Especially in light of this introduction on January 2nd. I am afraid to ask certain people. Totally confronted and locked out. Just thinking about it makes my heart race.
So, that can be where I could play. In that arena. Just tell people how freaking scared I am. Instead of trying to be cool, or not saying anything, or being weird about it. I can just tell the truth. Wow!! How freeing!! I can just say I’m scared of getting them annoyed/upset/wanting to leave me. Aha, back to my two year old incident. It always comes down to that. I’m afraid they will leave me in the driveway. It’s amazing. Two years old and it still runs my life.
OK, well, as Joyce says, I can pull up my big girl pants and get out there. Say something new. Come from I CAN instead of I CAN’T. Come from they WILL instead of knowing they WON’T.
How fabulous!!! Wow!!
This has been great. Thanks for letting me get all that out. I realize it is a gift to let someone get out the gunk that has them stuck. I want to give that gift to more people. I’m not sure how, yet, but I’m dwelling in the possibility. And, I’m practicing doing it through this blog. I get to a freer place by getting this crap out. It’s like magic.
Well, I guess that’s it for now. Thanks again and have a great night!!!!