What Can I Say?
Each hour I have something new to say. Each hour it seems there is something else that is stressing me out.
So the thing itself is not the issue.
I think I’m trying to keep everyone else from being upset. It’s very hard. Why do I think it’s my job?
Even though I gave up other people’s problems, I guess I forgot to give up worrying about their emotional states. Why WOULD I freaking think I’m responsible? It’s freaking weird.
I get all crazy when:
my mom makes a comment I take as a criticism or I did something wrong
I think someone’s upset and it’s my fault
I think someone’s upset
I’m trying to get something done (i.e. book flights) and I can’t get it done and I don’t have time and I’m afraid I’ll do it wrong, etc.
Someone is having troubles and I somehow think I need to help them even though it’s not my problem
I don’t know what my problem is. All I know is, I feel stressed and there’s no reason.
Things are fine. I have 3 days left at my mom’s. Mark is not my problem. My kids emotional states are not my problem. If my mom wants to know when the boys are coming home so she can feed them and she doesn’t know when, it’s not my problem.
If she makes a comment that I am eating at a weird time, it is not my problem.
So why do I feel like it is? Why is my ego or brain so fucked up that I think all their shit has anything to do with me?
I guess it all goes back to my two year old incident. If someone is upset with me, I think they will leave me. I think they will leave me in the driveway and I HATED THE WAY THAT FELT!!! IT WAS THE BAD THING!!!!
It really feels like my life is at stake. Like if someone’s upset everyone will leave me and I’ll be ALL ALONE FOREVER with no one to talk to. And it will be my fault.
I actually get panicked like it’s happening. But it’s not. Everyone is fine. All is well.
Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
OK, I’m breathing now. I realize it’s just my brain trying to protect me from the BAD THING!!!! The two year old thing that I actually survived. I’m a big girl now and although this sounds freaking crazy, my brain still wants to protect me from being hurt.
Thank you, Brain. You are doing a good job.
And, nothing is actually happening. It’s just a programmed way my brain reacts to certain triggers.
Thank you for listening. I feel better.
And I still would like a drink!!!!!