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What Am I Trying To DO? Part 1

I’ve been desperately doing, doing, doing, trying to get IT RIGHT. Trying to get somewhere FAST!

The problem was that I didn’t take the time to stop and think about where I was going. I was paying money for the ANSWER. So I could get SOMEWHERE!!!! I was paying to jump on their yellow brick road. (We just watched the Wizard of Oz). And RUN down it. As fast as I could…..The adrenalin was rushing…………….

“Let’s go!! I’m doing the work! I’m in action. YAY! FINALLY! I’m going somewhere……”

I was thrilled. Really excited. Willing to spend the money.

Two weeks into it I wondered why I was feeling so crazy?

I was trying to design my web site. But I wasn’t getting anywhere. It looked terrible. Why was I doing this? It’s not my thing. I suck at design. I suck at making things look nice. What had I signed up for?

Was I excited or was I stressed?

I was definitely spending way more more money than I had originally signed up for: things like hosting sites, web themes, contact managers, and logos were costing additional hundreds of dollars. And there would be more – I was going to have to pay people to design stuff for me. It wasn’t going to be ending anytime soon.

What was going on? What was I doing? I was doing all this so people would pay me to coach them. I didn’t even WANT to be a coach? I was paying money to sell something that I didn’t want to sell. How had this happened?

Last Monday I had a call with the company I was going to pay additional money to – to buy something called an auto responder. It was going to collect emails so I could market myself.

I explained what I was trying to do.

“It doesn’t sound like this is working for you,” the wonderful sales girl said.

“I think you’re right,” I said, feeling a little validated.

“This isn’t what you were trying to do, is it?” the girl said.

She promised that her company could do this cheaper and way more easier. So that I could have joy in my life instead of stress.

It sounded great. I felt like I had found a friend. She understood me. (I’ve called myself the salesman’s dream. Here I was again, believing what she said).

So I cancelled the first company. I cancelled the hosting site and design sites. I tried to recoup some of my losses.

And I signed up with the second company. I was excited to experience joy and be in “the flow” as we had discussed.

But then I tried to start working with them. I called the company. I couldn’t find the department that was to help me with this web site. I kept calling and calling.

I talked to about 10 people. They kept transferring me to someone else.

And they all said, “that’s NOT my department. I’m sorry you are confused. We don’t develop web sites. If that’s what you want, you can pay MORE MONEY to get the web site developed. I could pay by the hour for this additional service.

I was SO exasperated. And Frustrated. I felt like I was literally losing my mind. The stress in my head felt like it was going to explode.

Why was I paying money to feel like I was going crazy? I can do that for free. I’m very good at it.

After about 4 days of feeling tortured, I cancelled the second company. I told them I didn’t need to pay to be exasperated.

At least THEY were willing to refund my money.

The first company is going to charge me additional money for cancelling. While I wish that wasn’t what they decided to do, I’m letting go of any ill will and instead using it, instead, to validate my decision to no longer work with them.

Friday I felt like a fool. A broke fool. An idiot. A confused idiot. Lost. (I’m still trying to actually receive the refunds for all my cancellations).

“Don’t be so stressed. Let the universe guide you,” my son said. I wanted to punch him until I realized he was right.

I was paying money to run down a road not knowing why. Not knowing where I even wanted to go. And trying to RUN FAST. Just thinking about it stresses me out.

I decided to take a step backward. Chalk up my losses to experience.

What road did I even want to be on?

[GO TO NEXT BLOG. This one is getting too long. TO BE CONTINUED…………]

Good night.

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©2020 by Getting Real With Hilary.