OK – so I can see that when people give me feedback/constructive criticism (if there is such a thing) that I am not asking for, it takes a toll on my mental outlook/mental health/attitude.
I used to ask people not to give it to me – I’m not asking for coaching, I would say.
Then I felt rude.
Then people started telling me that they think I think that something is true. (I don’t even know what they were talking about. 2 people said something like it. I didn’t like it and it started the chink in the “something is wrong with me” kind of thinking.)
But I worked through it. I fixed myself (I thought).
I decided I was above their comments. I was “letting go of being impacted” by what people say or do. I was noble. I was wonderful. I was enlightened. I was out of my little paradigm house and FREE. No one could bring me down. I am woman hear me ROAR!!!!!
Or so I thought. Until today.
I realized that that has not worked very effectively.
I am on the other – SHIT – side of life. And I didn’t even know I was living there.
A bunch of things happened. Alone, each one is not a problem.
Together, they sent me over to the suck life without me even knowing. I really thought I was fine.
Until I lost my shit last night. Then today I was thinking why bother doing any work? It won’t make a difference anyway.
This thought sent an alarm off in my head.
I have goals. I need to hit my numbers. I can’t afford this type of thinking. What the fuck happened to the new, productive, success-visualizing me?
OK – I’ll tell you the comments/incidents:
my title is bad, my cover is wrong
so and so’s mother looks really good – she does Botox
I lost my cool while trying to make my son happy instead of asking for what I wanted
“count how many times you say “am I making sense?””
I decided my video yesterday sucked – I couldn’t find my notes and I looked like hell
my daughter told me I could make catchier titles like this other guy does on his videos
Someone told me my videos are too long – they should be shorter
Some of these were a while ago. But, the cumulative effect is:
I AM WRONG!!!!
I AM WRONG!!!
EVERYTHING I DO IS WRONG!!
HOW I LOOK IS WRONG!!
WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG and there is nothing I can do about it.
This is not a new one. It’s just so subtle that I didn’t see it coming.
I just start living on the suck side of life. It seems normal over there.
Why make calls? Why do anything?
Ladeedadeedah and on and on….Why do anything? It’s just going to suck anyway.
AND, to make matters worse, I’m supposed to be unconditionally happy per Michael Simon. (He didn’t say that, but I’m using that as more evidence against myself – he said we can CHOOSE that. Big difference).
But in my victimhood, I am WRONG for not being happy on top of everything else.
I am letting go of thinking I should be different. I am going to allow myself to be exactly how I am. And that is fine.
If you have a problem with that, don’t tell me. I’m not interested in your opinion. (I say with love).
Here’s the video if you have time. It might be entertaining if you’re in a bad mood, too!!!!
Yup!! That’s what I was saying!!!! WTF?
Well, time to get back to work. It feels good to get it out. I’m giving up the happy all the time thing. It just makes me feel worse.
I need to work through stuff. That’s how I learn. I’m using that to inspire others (hopefully) – or to entertain people with my crazy lunacy – or they don’t have to watch at all!!!
What they do is not my problem!!! Right?
So, that’s all folks!!!
Have a great day!
Thanks for listening.