Trying Not to Be Right
I know I am a victim when people don’t do what they say.
It kicks in my shit:
I can’t have what I want
I don’t matter
I can’t fucking count on anyone
I’m all alone
I thought this time would be different
Life sucks and then you die
I can see how I want to be right about it.
Here’s what happened: my daughter said she would help decorate my house for my party before she leaves for New Hampshire. But today, instead of helping me, she decided she has to get on the road. My son says he is going to do it now. The same son who is cooking all the food. The same son who says he will clean up. (He doesn’t clean up his own plate after dinner). The same son who is working the next two nights and in my opinion doesn’t have time for any of this.
“Relax,” my son says when I get upset about this.
“Don’t fucking tell me to relax,” I just told him.
It’s my house. It’s my party. I KNOW I am not good at certain things so I was asking others to help. I am NOT GOOD at trusting people or the universe. I KNOW I will be fucked over as I was at 2 freaking years of age.
So I always am.
I don’t know how to change this. I don’t know how to trust people. I don’t know how to relax and accept things.
I am trying to ask for what I want. That is a new thing for me. And it doesn’t seem like it’s working.
I asked my daughter to help. She is now offloading her work.
I am simply disappointed that she isn’t helping me decorate because she is really good at it. I was looking forward to it.
I am not good at being disappointed. I become victimized and sarcastic and blame myself for looking forward to anything. So it’s all my fault.
AND THE REST OF THE LIST:
My f——-g son keeps telling me I don’t have to suffer. I’m not, I’m just upset. That really pisses me off.
And a saleslady told me I “need to” lose my belly fat. “Go to a nutritionist – go to someone so they can help you. You’re probably eating too many carbs.”
We are sitting at a client today and only one person came to see us. What a waste of time.
I’m tired and thirsty and have to drive my mother late tonight to meet my nephew.
I’m making myself wrong for not being fucking happy right now.
So, ………………………can I just allow myself to be upset? I think so…….
Instead of resisting it……….
I always think I am not letting people’s nasty comments get into my thoughts, but I can see that they have. They are sitting there festering. Every time I look at a carb I think of the saleslady. Every time I feel upset I think of my son telling me I’m suffering. Every time I am disappointed I think I shouldn’t be.
I had a fabulous birthday yesterday. I really did.
And then boom – today I am upset. And I don’t think I should be…………..
I am going to allow myself some misery right now. Self pity, the whole works.
Fuck everyone. I can be how I am. Accept it instead of resist it.
I am mad, sad, and resentful. Annoyed and disappointed. How many times do I have to stop remember to accept how I am?
I guess a lot more. Alot alot alot alot…………..I guess I just need to keep practicing.
Thanks for listening……