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  • Hilary Burns

….Then I’ll Be Calm

“I’ve just felt so crazy lately. When I get my act together I’ll be calm,” I said.

The people on my web call just looked at me from their Hollywood Square boxes. “What?” I asked. “What am I missing?”

“When you get your act together, you’ll be dead,” one gentleman said.

“What?” I asked stunned.

“When that finally happens, it will be because you are dead. There’s nothing left to do.”

“Really?” I asked, still trying to take it in.

Everyone else on our call agreed. Like it was obvious. Wow!

“I’ve been feeling so anxious. Nervous. Uncomfortable.” I added.

“That’s because you are trying new things.”

“You mean, going out of my comfort zone?” I asked.

“Yes. If you only did what you knew, you’d be in a safe little box. Just doing what you already know. Does that sound like fun?” another person asked.

“No. But I never saw it that way. I kept thinking I shouldn’t be feeling so anxious. Like that means there’s something wrong with me. A therapist I went to 3 times wanted to medicate me because of it. Like it’s a problem to be fixed.”

“No. It’s normal when you are out of your box. It’s fine.”

“Holy shit. This is rearranging my molecules. Thank you so much for this conversation. I have a whole new world to explore. With my discomfort. Normally when I feel out of control and nervous, I want to run back into my little safety place. And not go forward. But if I lean into the discomfort, I can just keep going, knowing it’s normal and not because something’s wrong with me personally. Wow! This is so freeing.”

That conversation shed the light on something I had seen in California a month ago. I had taken on leaning into the discomfort then. It was fun and freeing. And then I forgot about it.

Instead of thinking I’m an idiot for forgetting, I can just say that this cut is deeper. It’s a great thing that I forgot so that I could have THIS conversation.

Because I seriously thought that one day I would be organized and comfortable and at peace. I’ve been waiting for that day and so FRUSTRATED that it hasn’t happened. Because then I’d be like I’m supposed to be – FINALLY. Calm and organized and not scattered and frenetic and ………CRAZY.

Because I had crazy as bad. I forgot that I’m GOOD CRAZY!!!!! A crazy genius my phone tells me at 6:45 and 7:00 AM every morning. I stopped paying attention to my structural way of reminding myself. And started thinking that crazy is bad AGAIN.

How funny it all is. Being human is so damn interesting.

Thanks for listening.

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