Someone suggested I write about the holidays.
So here goes. The real thing for me. No sugar coating.
I think I have always just survived them. I can see that there is a layer of something covering over my happiness. It’s interesting, because I never really saw that, or looked to see what it was.
I am just kind of annoyed by the whole holiday thing. There’s a certain layer of sadness under the annoyance. So let’s look deeper:
is it because I’m Jewish and so Christmas was for the other people – they all got great presents and I got a pack of trident for Chanukah? I mean, I did get other stuff, too, but it was just little things. Never the grandiose bicycles or big toys that my non-Jewish friends got. I mean, it was fine, just the way it was when you were Jewish. Am I still sad about that?
Is it the unexpressed sadness for my years in New York when I didn’t have anywhere to go on Christmas? I remember saying I was “fine,” it didn’t bother me, but what sadness was I covering up with that? Of course I wasn’t really fine. I was sad and disappointed I’m sure, but would never have admitted it. I didn’t need people feeling sorry for me. I just hid until it was over.
Is it because I’m divorced and now my kids still go to Christmas at my ex-in-laws, and I could still go, but it’s awkward for me and I don’t feel like I can really be myself with them?
Is it because all of the commercials and ads show a wonderfully in love couple being so very freaking happy and I’m kind of pissed off that I don’t have that and fearful I never will?
Is it because I feel like I should be so very happy and I don’t always feel like it?
Is it because it seems like everyone else is with gobs of loving people all having a great time and I’m the only odd one out?
Is it because there’s family members who have passed away and are no longer around?
Is it because some people say this is their favorite time of year and I wonder why it’s not mine and what’s wrong with me cause it’s not and I should be happy? (I know, that last part is a repeat – a familiar theme – I should be another way)
Is it because it seems like everyone else has family and friends who they automatically belong to and I feel like I’m all alone (another familiar theme – ok, I’m repeating some of them)
Or, best of all, my old favorite, if I was the way I was supposed to be (a few pounds down, happy all the time, never in a bad or bitchy mood, organized, wrapped the right beautiful presents, never worried, always calm, never negative, dressed well no matter what the weather or my mood, hair always looked good, make-up always perfect and no black under my eyes, no wrinkles, slept a perfect 8 hours a night, pain-free, never sick or tired or frustrated or disappointed, (this is actually fun – let’s add never sarcastic or snippy), never selfish, always gracious, ok why not – look like Grace Kelly, grow 6 inches, never paranoid, always confident), I would be perfect and therefore never sad.
OK, I’ve solved it. I’ll just wait for the last bullet to happen. Just kidding – sort of. I can see that in my crazy thinking I think that I should definitely be another way in order to be happy on the holidays (and anyday). Since I’m still up a few pounds, got divorced, am moody, and frustrated and impatient with my mother, how do I deserve to be happy? I should suffer!!!! What kind of person gets that way? (Said in a New Yawk accent)!!! Good question. I’m looking…………………
OK, I’m crying now at Whole Foods…let’s add that to the list……….
Back to the question: what kind of person gets that way?
I guess the human kind. And I can actually love myself, my stomach roll, my bad moods, and my imperfectness just like I could love someone else’s. I don’t look at other people and see a little flab and say line them up for the execution squad. That’s what I do to myself. And it’s not kind.
So, ladies and gentleman, I am giving it up. I am going to cross over to the other side right now. My old blog distinguished the left side of life and the “right side.” On the left, life is about the bullets above – EEYORE – and what isn’t ok. The more it’s wrong, the more stuck I get.
I am going to try something new. I’m going to use LOVE as the needle to pierce the portal – instead of there being a barrier that I have to cross over to get to the right side, I’m putting a hole there. I’m swimming over on a river of love. Everything is wonderful here. Everything is perfect. Faults are loved. Craziness is loved. There is no right or perfect way to be except exactly as one is. I can love everyone, feel included, and be a part of the human race. And I can be happy exactly as I am during the holidays – even if I’m missing my dad or Fran, feeling a little flabby, or in a bad mood. I can still be happy and surround myself with family and friends as much as I want to. And I can have compassion. Oodles and oodles of compassion.
Wow!! Thank you for letting me get this all out. Without being able to share it, it’s just reality. Now the fog has lifted. I challenge you to look at your fog if you have one. And try expressing it by writing, speaking or even collaging. See what happens!
Once again, I feel like a different person after getting this out. And, of course, I’m afraid it’s just too negative and crazy to post publicly. But I’m being bold because if it helps one person, it’s worth it.
So enjoy everyone!!! And, Happy Holidays!!! (Wink, wink)