Didn’t Goober used to say that on Andy Griffith? Well, maybe not, but I’m saying the title with his southern accent………
This weekend I was subdued. I wrote about it yesterday. This morning, Monday, I really thought I should be over my funk. And I definitely wasn’t. And I didn’t know what to do about it.
I went into the office and stayed quiet, but tried to act semi-normal.
I finally got to ask my boss if he had sent the email about the $28,000 reversal that was messing up my numbers. He sent it while I was watching.
He could see I was upset and he said, “forget it and focus on something you can control.”
That was the last straw. I decided I needed to leave. I had had enough. I was going to the dentist to get my stitches out from my surgery last week. Instead of coming back to the office, I decided to go home.
I called my coach when I got in the car. I had tried over the weekend but his voicemail never picked up. Thankfully this time it did. And I finally let it all out – negative balance, what my boss said, the bitches that left, and my overall funk.
And it felt good to just say that it all sucked. My mouth feels horrible and I have a bad attitude and feel hopeless but it’s really just that it’s not fair. And I don’t like it.
Then I went to the dentist. I asked him if the black spot in between my two front teeth is a scab or something stuck.
“It’s just a space. We had to remove your gums because of the bone loss. We can’t do anything about it,” he said.
“You mean I will have this black thing here forever?”
“Yes,” he said.
I left and got in my car. I called my coach again.
“I have a black space between my two front teeth,……..” and I cried and cried and cried.
I went to Stew Leonard’s to get some tuna salad. It’s my favorite. And it’s soft. And my friend called. And, in the dairy aisle, I told her about my mouth. And I was heaving I was crying so hard.
“And it’s in between my two front teeth, and there’s no bone there to hold them in. They might fall out. My father was a dentist. This is so not ok.”
And she listened and I cried some more. She was great. I started feeling better. I finally got real. I stopped pretending I was fine. Cause pretending was sucking the life out of me.
It felt good to get mad. It felt good to cry. And I stopped trying to be the type of person I think I’m supposed to be and started being who I really am. And it was freeing.
And I was afraid the people at the dentist office would think I’m too high maintenance and “always upset.”
That’s what I was accused of when I was married. Always being upset.
Well, here’s the thing. I’m upset when I’m upset. And I’m not when I’m not. And I’m tired of pretending that I’m someone that I’m not. It’s really exhausting.
And on that note, I’m going to bed. Even though it’s only 6:49. I didn’t sleep all weekend.
BEFORE I GO: Now it feels like my front teeth are moving. And I’m afraid they are falling out. And I’m worried.
Hmmmmm……I guess if they do, I will have to figure something out. But until then, I might as well enjoy my teeth. They have been good teeth and I do appreciate them. I just wish I had known this could happen. I wouldn’t have taken them for granted.
I thought I was being so good to them. Brushing and flossing. I just didn’t know I could get a gum infection.
“And, worrying isn’t really going to help the situation,” my mother just told me.
And, she’s right. Worrying is not going to help. If it happens, I’ll deal with it.
And I was going to have a nice relaxing sleep. And my ex called to say there was a murder up the street from my mother’s house last night. Some 75 year old man shot and killed his ex-wife.
And now my head is worried about that. Well, again, there is nothing I can do about it.
Our WW leader, Zach, tells us, if worrying helped you lose weight it would be a short meeting. “I would just tell you all to worry as much as you can nd you could leave.”
Or hating yourself. Or being afraid.
They really don’t do anything for us, do they? I guess they are just habits.
Ok, that’s enough for now. Time to go to bed and worry about all of this.