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Sucked into the SUCK

Hey:

I feel like I’m writing to a friend.

I got into bed and can’t sleep.

Nothing is wrong. So why is my mind spinning?

Let’s see:

  1. conflicts with the family – I hate being in the middle of people talking about people

  2. my mom – she is better than people think

  3. an old friend – he came back and made all sorts of statements about how he missed me and I am the love of his life – and then said – Let’s take it slow – so what is it – am I the love of your life, are you just full of shit – or WTF?

  4. it kind of messed up my brain

So, here’s what I realize.

My life is fine. I enjoy the people I love. I enjoy being alone.

I don’t like eating and drinking late – I did it for my son for his birthday last night – AND – I prefer not to. I just feel like a fat, tired jerk with a stomach ache and I hate that.

I am in a funk with work – I don’t know why – I think I don’t want to have to call people and get treated like an ass hole – after a while it’s just not fun.

I think that’s it – I don’t like being treated like an ass hole –

OK, here’s the rest of the story:

  1. my other brother and sister called me to tell me to tell my son how to act because my OTHER sister was telling bullshit about what was happening at my mother’s

  2. this guy came back into my life professing his love and then – take it slow – fuck you – you would be lucky to have me ass hole and I will tell him that tomorrow

  3. I don’t want to have to do what I need to do for my job – it seems like a lot of work for nothing – which is totally not true – that’s just how it seems – I think that I just didn’t get to hit my goals this week because I had people to meet, meetings, and distractions with my daughter, my son’s birthday and this friend of mine – so I’m making myself wrong and then the whole world is wrong and then I don’t want to do anything so why bother

  4. so I went to sleep early and then can’t even get to sleep

  5. so I am making myself wrong for being wrong – and no one could love me because I’m such a pill and I don’t want to be around myself so who could?

  6. I shouldn’t publish this because who wants to be around someone so fucking negative and pathetic – I certainly don’t but I am stuck with me – so NOW what do I do? Run away from myself?

  7. How do you do that?

  8. Oh. I forgot…………

I am resisting my funk.

OK, I will try not to resist this.

I am going to go “be with” the funk. Have a good cry if I want. Feel sorry for myself. See if I can get through it to freedom.

I’m making myself wrong for making myself wrong. Blaming others for my funk.

It’s a bad place.

I am going to use this funk in the name of freedom. I don’t like how I feel, but so what? I will just be with it for now. That’s what has helped me before. Blaming others and thinking it’s their fault just has me be more right about how wrong I am. Which takes me deeper into the land of SUCKNESS.

If that makes any sense…………………………..

OK, thanks for listening. I am going to go dwell in the LAND OF SUCK!!!!!

And go through the electronic fence to FREEDOM!!!! (And hopefully get some sleep!)

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©2020 by Getting Real With Hilary.

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