I was on a webinar about fretting.
It was perfect timing. I had been obsessing for a while about everything. Literally feeling like I was losing my mind because I couldn’t focus on anything and was worrying about every little crazy thing I said or did.
Was my sister upset because I couldn’t go for a walk with her?
Was my daughter upset because I couldn’t talk to her?
Was my post on my son’s girlfriend’s facebook stupid?
Was my mother upset cause I wasn’t coming for dinner?
And on and on……………….
One of the questions on the webinar was what is the fretting on top of.
Interesting. I had once learned that obsessing is just a way to avoid a real hard issue. I started looking at what might be bothering me.
A picture of my frazzled mother came into my mind’s eye. The tears started and then I started sobbing. Really hard. Gut wrenching sobs.
My mom is almost 89 and an amazing woman. But there are times when her eyes seem glazed. My mother has told us many times that her mother looked glazed at my sister’s wedding for the first time. And that was the start of her dementia.
So when my mom looks glazed or frazzled it sends me into an abyss. Is she losing it now? Is she like her mother? Is this it? Who will take care of her? What will I do without her? Will it only get worse? WHAT WILL I DO? HELP!!!!!!!! It’s hard to escape these negative thoughts.
I didn’t even know I was in this dark place. Because I was pretending that everything was just fine. You know, Same O’ Same O. And worrying instead about little things.
I don’t even know if my mom is “losing it.” But it doesn’t matter. The fear of it being true is what sent me into the abyss.
But the most amazing thing happened. When I started crying and sharing my fears with my little breakout group, I got calm. I felt ok. I stopped fretting and obsessing over meaningless things.
I got to face the unknown, realize that I am not alone, and know that whatever happens, my siblings and I are in this together.
And I got to create a new way to be with my mom: love, acknowledgement and accepting what is so.
And I became peaceful. I love my mom. However she is is a gift instead of something to be feared. We are all in this together and we will take care of her however she is.
And I can feel lucky and blessed instead of freaked out, panicked and neurotic. It’s exhausting and makes me feel like I’m going crazy.
And the ticket to freedom once again ladies and gentleman?
Sharing. Getting into dialogue. Getting out of my head.
And the funny part is – I didn’t even know I was stuck there.