This video was just an effort to get out of my head. And it worked.
I did my nails myself since I was mad at my nail lady. It doesn’t look good but it makes me smile.
I don’t like being dependent on people and right now I am for my book.
I need a cover
I need it formatted
I need it proofread – I think
I need the spine of the book done
I need the back of the book done
The reason I don’t like being dependent is that I feel powerless when I am. Why, you ask?
Because I don’t like to ask them how it’s going. Or if it’s done. And why they haven’t been in communication.
I don’t want to bother them.
And, the big one, I don’t want to get them mad. Because if I do, they won’t love me. FOR REAL that’s how it has seemed. Undistinguished until last night. WOW!!! That’s a big one.
I saw doing this video that it’s because I’ve been in relationships with people who:
withhold themselves when they don’t like something I said or did
use anger to shut me up
tell me what’s wrong with me to avoid responsibility for their actions or to manipulate me
NOTE: I am not a victim. I have allowed it – my people pleasing has had me:
try to please them
do what they say
alter myself to fit how they say I should be
all so I didn’t lose them
and I lost them anyway so it didn’t even work
It sounds stupid but it’s true
It makes me sad
But it’s the best I could do at the time
And I can forgive myself – BREATHE, BREATHE, BREATHE
That’s what my book is about. The original title was “what happened to Hilary?”
All I can do is practice being my real self. And, attracting someone that I can BE my real self with. With no fear. And they will love the REAL me. Not the me they try to make me into. Or have to become to try to please them.
And trust myself that I am exactly how I am supposed to be. If they don’t like it, OH WELL. Sayonara. Asta la vista. B-bye.
Easier said than done.
But not impossible.
This is my path. I hope it is inspiring at least one person out there. If so, please share my stuff. Or comment. Or tell me to keep going.
I’m asking for help. That’s a big deal. It’s easier to do it myself and NOT BOTHER ANYONE!!!! Cause I’m feeling a little insecure about all this right now. Hate to admit it, but I am.
Thanks for letting me share.
And, thanks for listening.
Have a great fucking day!!!!!