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Need to Work Through Some STUFF

I am feeling terribly guilty about my mom.

She can’t help what she is doing.

I get frustrated.

I don’t like to keep arguing about the same things:

  1. she is just trying to be helpful

  2. I don’t want to sleep there – all the beds are taken

  3. I guess I could sleep on the other couch (that’s where the dog was and I hate smelling dog (Sorry to all you dog lovers)

  4. I know she’s just trying to be helpful – she’s hanging on to what she knows how to do:

  5. feed us

  6. keep track of our whereabouts

  7. worry about us getting places safely

  8. where are we going

  9. when are we waking up

  10. These are all things that she likes to ask about.

  11. As a 60 year old woman, I resent the incessant questioning

  12. WHY?

  13. It’s annoying

  14. It’s unnecessary

  15. She doesn’t remember the answers anyway

  16. I have other things to do besides answer the same FUCKING questions over and over again – I know, I sound like a monster, but this is the real internal anger coming out which is good

  17. OK, I’m going to let it rip

  18. Who cares?

  19. Why do I need to fucking tell you?

  20. You won’t remember anyway, so why should I answer the same question for the 1000th time?

  21. OK, even though I feel evil, this is helping. This is saying what I definitely don’t think I should say. And I feel better.

  22. Pretending it doesn’t bother me doesn’t work

  23. Trying to be nice and then losing my shit and screaming at the top of my lungs is not a good strategy

  24. So what do I do now?

I don’t know. I really don’t.

I can answer once even if the question doesn’t matter.

I can ask her what I said before if she asks me again.

I can tell her how helpful she is being.

I can tell her I love her.

I can be sad when I’m sad.

I can think it shouldn’t be this way when I need to.

I can breathe, pray, meditate, and forgive myself for not being the person I think I should be:

  1. always calm

  2. always kind

  3. always patient

  4. always generous

  5. always happy and loving

AND I’M NOT THAT!!!

Sometimes, but not right now.

  1. I feel frustrated, anxious and annoyed

How’s that for honest?

  1. This is fun though. IT’S REAL!!!

OK, folks, that’s all I can take.

Have a wonderful evening.

I will do the best I can. I DO feel better just having been able to be honest with ya’all. (Yes, I’m from the south today).

Have fun!!!!

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©2020 by Getting Real With Hilary.