I am feeling terribly guilty about my mom.
She can’t help what she is doing.
I get frustrated.
I don’t like to keep arguing about the same things:
she is just trying to be helpful
I don’t want to sleep there – all the beds are taken
I guess I could sleep on the other couch (that’s where the dog was and I hate smelling dog (Sorry to all you dog lovers)
I know she’s just trying to be helpful – she’s hanging on to what she knows how to do:
keep track of our whereabouts
worry about us getting places safely
where are we going
when are we waking up
These are all things that she likes to ask about.
As a 60 year old woman, I resent the incessant questioning
She doesn’t remember the answers anyway
I have other things to do besides answer the same FUCKING questions over and over again – I know, I sound like a monster, but this is the real internal anger coming out which is good
OK, I’m going to let it rip
Why do I need to fucking tell you?
You won’t remember anyway, so why should I answer the same question for the 1000th time?
OK, even though I feel evil, this is helping. This is saying what I definitely don’t think I should say. And I feel better.
Pretending it doesn’t bother me doesn’t work
Trying to be nice and then losing my shit and screaming at the top of my lungs is not a good strategy
So what do I do now?
I don’t know. I really don’t.
I can answer once even if the question doesn’t matter.
I can ask her what I said before if she asks me again.
I can tell her how helpful she is being.
I can tell her I love her.
I can be sad when I’m sad.
I can think it shouldn’t be this way when I need to.
I can breathe, pray, meditate, and forgive myself for not being the person I think I should be:
always happy and loving
AND I’M NOT THAT!!!
Sometimes, but not right now.
I feel frustrated, anxious and annoyed
How’s that for honest?
This is fun though. IT’S REAL!!!
OK, folks, that’s all I can take.
Have a wonderful evening.
I will do the best I can. I DO feel better just having been able to be honest with ya’all. (Yes, I’m from the south today).