OK, I came home from the gym feeling like a failure.
I had told myself I would flirt today.
I did my workout and was leaving the gym realizing I had not done it. I had said hi to two guys I knew, and half smiled at another, but I didn’t think those counted. Desperate, I said goodbye to one of the employees who was sitting at a desk right by the door.
“Does that count?” I wondered. “Do the hi’s and goodbye’s count?”
I saw myself starting my negative monologue:
I’m a failure
I’ll never have a relationship
I don’t even know how to flirt
There’s 7 billion people in the world and I’m the only pathetic creature who can’t even say hi in a flirting way or start a conversation with a man I think is attractive
Not only do I not flirt, I can barely look at them
Well, why should I? They’ll think an old lady is hitting on them
They’ll think I’m fat (of course)
There’s thousands of younger, thinner females there, why would I THINK I SHOULD flirt with them
I should just give up – I’m fine by myself
This is too much stress
I went to the gas station to fill up. There was a man holding a tank of something. Here’s my chance I thought.
“Hi” I said.
“Hi” he said.
It was as if I was speaking a foreign language trying to put together the next sentence. By the time I thought of “what’s in the can?,” his car had disappeared down the road.
I drove home feeling hopeless.
Wait a second, I thought. This isn’t my last day to try this. I just have to practice. Next time I can add a smile to my hi. And maybe even a wink.
No, I’m not ready for the wink. Tomorrow I will just try smiling. I know I can flirt and wink and do crazy stuff when I know the guy and he is not available. The hard part is with strangers I find attractive.
Maybe I can just pretend they are like my married friends and be myself. That would be a novel concept.
I can see I get all serious and try to get it right. I freeze and become a serious working out zombie. It’s not fun, not really me and I’m just trying to complete the task instead of making a connection.
Tomorrow I will add fun. FUN and FLIRTING. The thought of it makes me nervous. That’s very interesting. I guess my whole identity, driveway incident, life is on the line. What if they don’t respond? What if they give me a dirty look? What if they go tell their friends that this FOUL (Fat old ugly loser) is hitting on them? They will have a great laugh at my expense.
And what if they do? Or what if I meet a great guy? Neither one will kill me, and the second is what I’m looking for.
OK, glad I distinguished my fear. Tomorrow is a new day TO PRACTICE!!!!!!
FUN AND FLIRTING!!
Enjoy your Memorial Day!!!