I’m ashamed to admit that I am. But at this moment it’s true. [I’m here in Jamaica on a trip I won from work. I was going to take the money instead of the vacation. But, my daughter wanted to come so I came and brought her as my guest. This is our third day. We leave tomorrow.]
So I decided I better start sharing. Or I will ruin the rest of the vacation.
Here’s what I need to say:
Yesterday I was in pain – and it made me feel old, cranky and tired
People pleasing doesn’t work – it just makes me feel resentful and stupid
I feel fucking unlovable
Sometimes I just need to be alone and I think there’s something wrong with that
I tried to be fucking fun and I can’t fake it when I don’t want to – why the fuck do I think I need to?
Yesterday I didn’t stretch after my workout because I didn’t want to make my daughter wait and that did not work – my legs were tight, I could barely walk up stairs, and they were cramping – today I took my extra 12 minutes to stretch – I am way better off – it’s amazing that 12 minutes of caring for myself could make such a difference
I like to just sit and read and I think that makes me not fun but today I don’t care – that’s what I want to do and that’s what I’m going to do – it’s fun for me
I don’t think I’ll ever meet someone (a guy) – EVER FOR INFINITY – that’s just the way it seems – if that’s negative than I’m just a negative, hopeless bitch
I am not eating in a way that I think is healthy – I’m feeling like a hopeless fat blob – than I saw someone with a skin disease that is really not attractive – I felt grateful that I don’t have that – and I want to eat in a healthier way today so I feel better
I hate to admit I was jealous of my daughter’s “new” friends last night – they were dancing late, had energy, weren’t miserable, and she was really happy with them – I felt like the old fat cow who just sucked up the world’s air and doesn’t deserve to live
[OK, I’m laughing now, I think the negative self-pitying fog is starting to lift – one or two more and I think I can have fun again – FO’ REAL!!!]
Am I supposed to pretend to love something that I don’t so other people will be happy?
Am I supposed to not be REAL thinking that I am supposed to be another way?
It seems like the rest of my work people are happy and loving each other and fun-filled every second of every day – I am the miserable slug who is pretending to have fun – they are all FO’ REAL – and that just makes me wrong wrong wrong
NEW THINKING POSSIBLY:
Why do I think I have to be like everyone else? Why can’t I just be how I am? I heard a recording I don’t remember from who that says that being present is being however you are – mad, angry, sad, happy, impatient etc. That’s being present – not always having to be happy!!!!
There is no real thing that we have to be happy all the time!!! Not a real rule for the world. It’s just something I think is true that is totally disempowering for me
The Untethered Soul says that we can go beyond our self-imposed boundaries – we have constructed ourselves to feel safe – but it is artificial and limiting – so I am going to be with that and expand it – why the fuck do I care about what other people think – so much so that I think I am wrong if they make me wrong
I am going to expand that today because it sucks
I am going to be however I am today – even if it’s miserable. I’m going to not resist anything (as much as I can). I’m going to do what I want!!! I’m going to speak up!!
Well, this all seems like a stretch but why not? Why resist how I am? I am going to share and say what I don’t think I SHOULD say and create my life!!!!
And that’s what this is. I am expanding my boundaries as I type.
Wish me luck.
Real honest greetings from Jamaica, mon!!!!
Thanks for listening.
(And you are supposed to say YA MON!!!)