The other night I was disappointed that my 3 guests didn’t show up to a guest event at my Sex and Intimacy seminar.
I sat in my chair thinking.
I didn’t do it right. If I had done it right, they’d be here.
I suck. I’m never inviting anyone again.
I’m never talking to those people again. Fuck them.
I hate this.
I realized I was just invalidating myself. I’ve seen this before. OK, I decided to take it to a higher level.
I’m just upset.
I’m disappointed. I can just BE with the disappointment.
I was looking forward to them coming. It’s ok to be disappointed.
I don’t need to ignore them, I can be gracious.
It’s all ok.
But as I sat in my chair I could feel a heavy cloak of “I’m a loser.” I wasn’t thinking it, I just WAS it. Everyone else was happy. I was trying to be. I didn’t want to be a downer so I got up and went to the ladies room. I ran into Annamarie. She was my partner and on my women’s empowerment team. I told her I was just trying to be disappointed. “It’s ok,” I mumbled dejectedly.
She looked me in the eyes as I dried my hands.
“Do you know you’re a success?”
“No,” I spit out immediately with a little venom.
“Well, you are.”
I just stared at her. I didn’t FEEL like a success.
“You had two community introductions with 8 guests. Two people’s lives are altered because they registered for the Landmark Forum. You are sharing your heart out and making a difference wherever you go. You ARE a SUCCESS.”
Hmmm, I thought. I tried it on. It felt a lot better than my loser cloak. But if I’m a success, then she is too.
“Well,” I said back to her. “Do you get that YOU are a success?”
“No,” she said immediately.
“Well, you are too. You were my partner, never let up, was reliable, count-onable and powerful. YOU ARE A SUCCESS.”
“Hmmm,” she said. I could tell she was also thinking about it too.
I went back into the room smiling. What if I actually AM a SUCCESS? What if it didn’t mean anything that my guests didn’t show up.
Why should, once again, a disappointment fling me into the land of being a total, unequivocable loser? Why does that happen? Why is it so automatic?
I guess because I’m human. It’s what our brains just do. I didn’t consciously do it. It just happened.
But the real question is why did Annamarie and I have such a hard time considering that we are successes? Why was it so hard to hear and accept?
Why is it easier to think we are losers, not getting it right, not ok, not the one, something is wrong, it’s all our fault, etc.?
That’s what I am looking into, my friends…….. I find it disturbing, yet fascinating and exciting….more about that soon……stay tuned………