Cottage Cheese and the Octopus
It’s a strange title, isn’t it? And my brain is telling me nobody wants to read what I write, so why bother?
And I am thanking it for sharing and writing anyway.
OK – let’s get the cottage cheese out of the way. For years I ate cottage cheese every day. I loved it. But then, after a while, I started getting sinus infections. And for some reason, I attributed them to eating cottage cheese. So I stopped.
Last week I decided to test out my theory. I bought a container of cottage cheese and ate just a little. And I was fine. Until today. My head is pounding and I am spitting out mucus. (Sorry if that’s gross).
Is it the cottage cheese? I don’t know. But just in case, I’m donating it to someone else. It’s just not worth it if is. It seems crazy, but it’s true. Don’t know why I’m telling you about it, but maybe someone else has the same thing with some food. Who knows?
OK, next is the Octopus. I have been in a funk this week (I know, not unusual for me, but this one was really bad). I didn’t have any energy, didn’t want to do anything, didn’t want to go to my office, and what was really unusual was that I didn’t even want to work out. Since working out is what I look forward to, I got concerned.
I was considering quitting everything. But I didn’t know what I would do if I did. Stay home and not make money and not exercise ever again? It didn’t seem like a good option.
So today I decided to communicate. I called my coach. I deleted 3 voicemails of talking until I figured out what had happened. It felt like I had been wrestling a rubber octopus. I’d get one tentacle off and another one would wrap around me even tighter. I couldn’t get free. I was suffocating from all these rubbery arms.
So here’s what I figured out after talking for 20 minutes and deleting my messages. 3 clients in the last two weeks cancelled. They told me not to come in. That I’d be wasting my time. Well, one was an almost client that I was counting on since it had been scheduled since January.
And I went to where I go. It’s my fault. I suck. I’ll never get this quarter going. I don’t want to do this. Why bother? Life sucks and I just want to sleep. I spent a few days in this mode wondering what was wrong with me.
Today I realized I was just disappointed. I wanted to see them and offer them my policies and protect them if someone got hurt. And not being given the opportunity was disappointing. Being treated like an ass hole with nothing to offer (in my interpretation) is disappointing.
And I went where I go. To being a powerless two year old victim. Nothing I can do. It’s my fault because there’s something wrong with me. And I just plain old suck.
And last night I ate nachos and drank two skinny margaritas with a friend of mine. And then I felt gross. And when I came home I almost opened a bottle of red wine that I had bought that day.
And I wondered why I was thinking about drinking it. Easy: I wanted to numb these feelings. I wanted to escape the octopus. It was strangling me with negativity.
I didn’t open the wine. I didn’t eat anything else. Instead I watched a Hallmark movie (they all have the same basic plot and have happy endings) and worked on my puzzle. I put on my sleep meditation and I went to bed.
And this morning I decided I needed to work this out in communication and called my coach. Even though it’s a one sided voicemail, it worked. I figured out that I was just disappointed and could finally extricate myself from the octopus.
I felt free and my energy and creativity returned.
I emailed my boss. Told him we can DO THIS THING and what I needed. I talked to a friend and asked her how I contribute to people and she gave me a long list of why she loves to be around me. It gave me a whole new perspective on life.
And I’m ready to get back out there. And that’s a miracle. I can have compassion for myself. And I will write another blog on that in a minute.
So, I will love the octopus and might even buy a little stuffed one to remind me that it comes out when I’m not recognizing that I’m simply disappointed. I can acknowledge it and let it go instead of blaming myself. And maybe I can catch it quicker next time.
Thanks for listening. More to come.