What a difference a few hours make
I went from terrified, paralyzed with fear, feeling completely sick, and should I add, neurotically crazy and freaking out (do you get the picture?) to:
How did I do it? Here were my steps:
I stopped resisting the discomfort
I allowed myself to feel the terror (tight chest, pain in stomach and back, difficulty breathing)
I did a meditation
I noticed what came up for me (an incident from the past)
I shared about the incident 4 different times (on the video, and with three different people)
I allowed myself to remember how it was for me in the incident
I experienced the terror
I admitted that I was ashamed of how I was feeling
I stopped making myself wrong for my feelings
The fear disappeared
I could see clearly what I needed to do
What the hell am I talking about?
Basically, I was still terrified about learning my script for work. My boss told me he wants me to do it for him on Tuesday. Since then, just thinking about it made me feel sick.
My fear seemed really dumb to me. It’s just a few page script.
But, thinking that just made it worse. I could see I was still traumatized by an event in Germany in 1982. I was presenting the Manpower subsystem of a Resource Management to the US Army generals and colonels. When I opened my mouth to speak, nothing came out. I was frozen. All I could do was move my eyes. My brain literally stopped working. There was nothing I could do.
And even though that happened 38 years ago, the terror of that moment still felt like it was happening now. I didn’t know to do about it.
A Parallel Universe:
This week I discussed taking my videos to the next level with a PR guy I know. He told me I would need a real studio, professional equipment, and a SCRIPT. OMG. The same word that was freaking me out. A freaking SCRIPT. How wild is that?
I realized that the fear was me trying to be somebody other than myself. There are people at work who are really good at scripts. I am not THEM. Scripts are not my strength. But I am smart and people like me. I know my job, just don’t like memorizing things.
What if I could just be myself instead of pretending to be someone else? I know my stuff after 12 years, just like I did in Germany.
[Something else that might help: I can wear my glasses so I can SEE the little writing on the script. I hadn’t thought to bring THOSE glasses because I never needed them before. DUH!]
And, the thing about the PR guy is that I like winging it. It may not be professional, but it’s REAL. I don’t know if my videos will ever be a hit or a YouTube sensation, but they are fun. They are quick to do. No fuss no muss. I’m not sure I’m ready to shell out big bucks to be uncomfortable.
I think for once in my life, I’m not going to jump into it. Even if my brain is telling me to DO SOMETHING ALREADY.
I will take my time and see what the universe brings…….I am going to just relax about it, focus on work, and enjoy my life for now.
MY LAST CONCLUSION:
Today I had amazing conversations with some very great friends, relaxed, recorded, had my window open in the sun, grilled some food, cooked some soup, worked out, and went from TERROR to FREEDOM. I am calm and actually looking forward to tomorrow. After the morning I had, that’s a freaking miracle.
I’d say it was a pretty incredible day. And it’s only 6:50 PM.
The night is young.
Have a great night.
Thanks for listening.