I realized I haven't been writing since I moved my blog over to this web site. I used to post my videos onto each blog entry so that was my cue to write.
And, I realize, now that I think about it, my videos changed as well. Before when I finished I would just copy and paste them into the blog. Now, my wonderful intern makes an adorable "thumbnail" for each video, so the timing is different. Since I don't know when it's done, I don't have the video production to remind me to blog.
I can see I need to create a new habit because I do love to write. Instead of blaming the web site which is completely ridiculous, I will simply START TO WRITE AGAIN.
So here goes...........I've been resisting being in touch with my emotions.
I am sad. I am going to allow it. Nothing's wrong. And, if I let myself just be for a moment I can see that there's been alot going on. Here's some of it:
1. I have seen that, up to now, I have been extremely "scheduled." I run from one thing to the next. Always in a hurry. Doing, doing, doing. Stressed to get to the next thing. Running, running, running. And exhausted.
Since my kids are home and available for the first time in a long time, I am seeing what an effort it is for me to stop "doing'" and just "be" with them. Not get on my scheduled calls. Let go of my "plan" for my day. Relax. Sit. Chat. Listen.
Because what's more important than spending time with my kids?
Here's the rub: I am trying not to feel guilty for all the times I DIDN'T DO THAT. Just accept that I did the best I could up until now. BE with them NOW when they are available. And forgive myself for the past.
2. Then there's my mom. Her confusion and inability to remember is difficult for me. It's ok to be sad AND accept that this is what's so and it probably won't get better. I don't have to like it. I can practice compassion for me and for her. That will be new for me.
3. My move: I have to move out on July 1. I was planning on going to my mom's for 2 months to spend time with her. But things are different than last year. She now has a full time caregiver who is trying to keep her calm. My kids coming and going and our schedules is causing my mom to not understand and get confused. I don't want to contribute to that. It's also difficult to see her that way.
4, I have a man. He is busy and not very available. I love to see him, but when he leaves, I get sad. It's hard to just allow myself to feel that without thinking something is WRONG.
5. My sister has built a case against my ex husband for something he truly didn't do. She won't listen to the facts, and rails to my kids about how wrong he is. It is disturbing for all of us. I can see the cost of her wanting to be right and that saddens me as well.
So what's the point of all this? Glad you asked, I'm wondering that myself.
Here it is: I don't like feeling sad or upset. I resist it. I stay busy. At night I might eat chips or grab a drink instead of just stopping long enough to get in touch with my feelings. Today I am allowing the sadness. I am letting the tears fall. It's actually much easier than resisting and only lasts a few minutes at most.
I don't know why I resist "feeling," only that I do. I think I shouldn't be sad, upset, angry or disturbed. I should just be "positive, pleasant, accepting and PHONY."
But this is called Getting Real. So SAD AND UPSET it is, folks. And there's nothing wrong with that.
Please let me know if you are getting these blog posts emailed to you. I'm wondering if this new web site is working and resisting the urge to go back to wordpress. I'd love to hear from you.
And, as always, thanks for listening.