Can I Have Faith in God?
Did you ever just want someone to come and save you?
Today I do.
I feel like I should just be taken away and put somewhere far far away.
Like on a hill.
Then have someone else do my life for me.
They can make the calls for work.
They can be happy instead of always fighting off the negative brain. This is what my brain is saying:
you can’t do this
you’re SO negative
what is wrong with you?
you’re like this every day.
it’s never going to change
what’s the point?
I thought when I was married, that it was my ex-husband insulting me all the time that was the problem. I got rid of him.
I’m still being insulted.
And, even though I know it’s just my brain, and that’s it’s job, it’s really hard to fight it after a while.
I’m exhausted from it.
I don’t have the energy for anything else.
Let’s do my favorites:
It’s not going to work out anyway
I can’t have what I want
I’m stupid for thinking I can have what I want
No one could put up with me because I can’t
I’m exhausting to myself, so who else could deal with this?
This is not new for me. This is an old record.
The problem is it doesn’t stop playing in my mind.
Today on my way down to the gym at 5:45 AM I had a conversation with God again.
God, this is too hard. Not life, but listening to my brain. I am scared, feel resigned, powerless and hopeless.
“Can you have faith in me?” God asked.
I’m still looking for my answer. Of course I should be able to. It’s God, for God’s sake.
So what is in the way of me having faith?
I guess I just can’t see HOW things will work out.
And without knowing HOW, I don’t think they can.
Can I give up that I need to know how?
Can I relax and enjoy my life?
Why would the answer be no?
Why am I making this so hard?
I think it’s easier than just doing the work.
By typing this blog, I don’t have to get on the phones.
I can “DEAL” with myself instead.
Holy crap. That’s disturbing, but………….
Wow………I can finally breathe……………..
That other thing is a habitual way of being…..I can make myself wrong…….I can avoid the domination of my job, my life, and having what I want.
I can stay paralyzed and stuck instead of risking:
having what I want
being who people say I am
And what I have to stop doing is telling myself:
there’s something wrong with me
I should be another way
I can breathe. I can believe in myself. I can trust myself. I am smart. I am great with people.
So, I will get out of my own head and go help some people. It’s way more fun than torturing myself.
As always, thanks for listening. For whatever reason, this helps me escape the suck side of life. No good happens over there. It’s exhausting. The longer I stay there, the worse it gets.
Thanks for getting me out.
Have a great day.