After recording my video today, I told the two guys that I was referring to that this is not a fit.
Finally I could breathe. One tried to call me and I blocked him.
I could see that my people pleasing and ‘thinking my discomfort was my fault’ was having me continue communication with these two.
I felt pressured, awkward and obliged – even though I never met either one.
I had communicated with “M” my nervousness and he told me “leave the past in the past.”
His response was my trigger for introspection. Why did it piss me off so much?
A. He wasn’t hearing me.
B. Because, for me, the past is where I need to learn. So I don’t pick manipulative, critical, controlling men again. And, here I was. Placating men who were impatient for the next response, asking how many of the dating site men I was talking to, asking where was I, etc.
I guess I should be grateful that I fucking woke up. My instincts were screaming but I was not listening. I was blaming myself for “creating pressure.”
I’d say this was a gift. I am free.
I have a date with a guy tomorrow who actually wants to meet in person. I don’t know who he is or where his profile was, but I don’t care. I am going to be honest and if it offends him, oh well. I am tired of worrying about doing this right and not offending anyone. Fuck that. I want someone with a little bit of a spine.
I’m tired of attracting the weanies and weak and controlling and judgemental.
So yay – hallelujah- please remind me when I forget.
OK, gotta go.
Thanks for listening.