Saturday I was in a course. We were discussing dreams. I got to share.
I was SO EXCITED. I was in the moment and creating life out here. There were no limitations to what is possible. My energy was amazing. Life was my oyster.
Then I got a private chat:
“Hilary, it’s enough. Let someone else share.”
I was stunned. It took the wind out of my sails.
That was on Saturday. Ever since then I’ve been low energy, quiet, and keeping to myself. I’ve been getting things done, but in a “life is fucked” kind of way.
And I internally know that there is something wrong with me.
This is familiar. It’s a reminder of a very young incident when I was excited and things didn’t work out the way I wanted.
I flat-lined. Got quiet. Made myself wrong. Stayed to myself.
And this is my underlying theme;
“You’re stupid for thinking you could have what you wanted. Don’t expect anything anymore. You’ll only be disappointed. You CAN’T HAVE WHAT YOU WANT.”
Here’s the thing. I don’t even know I’m thinking this. I’m just being it. I’m resigned.
Julius asked me what was wrong yesterday.
“Nothing,” I said. “Why?”
“You’re not yourself.”
I didn’t even know. The world just occured as sad. This is it. Nothing good will ever happen. And it’s ok. Not a problem.
But here’s the thing. I tell myself I’m fine, but all I want to do is go eat or drink something. So I know I’m actually NOT fine.
I guess it’s easier to be a blob than to:
get that my mom’s not going to get better
one day I won’t have her at all
I have to move out of my beach cottage
I don’t know how it will be staying at my mom’s house
what will the caretaker think when I pee multiple times at night?
where will I go all day when I need to get out of the house?
how will the gym be? will I get corona and infect my mother?
is it irresponsible to go to the gym?
what shoes should I bring?
how many pairs of underwear should I bring?
will my mother still tell me I can’t wash whites with colors?
will I lose my temper all the time?
Am I feeling fat because I’m in a bad mood, or have I gained alot of weight?
Why does my back hurt? Is it my fault?
These are just worries. This is just my internal dialogue. I know it’s supposed to torture me and it is. I know I have many choices:
I can get off it
I can get present
I can trust the universe
I can just accept myself as is and not think I should be different
I can have compassion for my mood
Or, better yet, I can go get myself a drink and just numb myself. I think I’ll CHOOSE THAT!!!
Nothing is wrong. All is well.
Thanks for listening.
PS I just talked to a friend. I realize there were 4 things that happened that through me over to the left side. When that happens I flat line and it takes me a while to figure out what happened. We pieced it together and I am BACK. YAY!!
Sometimes it takes a little looking. I’ve reached out to those I need to communicate with and all is WELL. Again, thanks for listening.