“And”, Not “But”
Last night I went to the evening session for my son’s Advanced Course in New York. If you don’t know what that is, you can ask me.
The last exercise was about eliminating problems. I was excited. In the old days, I solved a big problem for myself. I thought there was something wrong with me because I didn’t have a “good” relationship. I had plenty of them, they just weren’t the kinds I wanted long term.
What I discovered back then was that I thought I “needed” to have a relationship in order to be “ok”. So I always had one, even if my friends thought I was crazy for who I was dating. I won’t go into the details, but looking back, I can see why they thought that. It almost didn’t matter who it was, as long as I had someone. I would rotate some of them in and out. Literally a day wouldn’t go by before I’d rope the next one in. I was never without a “relationship.”
In the exercise, once I had finally realized that I had “having a relationship” and “being ok” collapsed together, I was freed from needing one. I enjoyed timed alone for the first time in a long time. I was fine being by myself.
Last night I decided to take on my weight as my “problem.”
I want to lose weight, but I’ve gained 10 pounds in the last few years.
I want to lose weight, but I like drinking and eating chips.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want anyone telling me what to do.
And on and on……….
The exercise was to substitute the “AND” for the “BUT” (or BUTT in this case – hee hee). Does it really give me power? Does the problem go away?
I want to lose weight and I gained 10 pounds in the last few years. Yes, true, and I also lost 30 about 9 years ago. So what does that really mean?
I want to lose weight AND I like drinking and eating chips. I can track them and make sure I know what I’m drinking and eating. I can do it in moderation if I want. This should not really be a problem.
I want to lose weight AND I don’t want anyone telling me what to do. OK, don’t ask anyone for advice. I know what to do. I can choose to do it if I want.
I guess the point is that once I change the and for the butt, then I have some room to think about it. I can think differently and create something new. The but just locks me into being stuck, resigned, and hopeless.
It is interesting. I no longer have to hold this as a problem. If I want to be thinner, I can take different actions. If I don’t want to eat and drink differently, then I can choose how I look today.
And feel good and love how I look.
(I’m trying to see if I actually believe this. Can I stop being right about how WRONG I AM? I guess I will have to see. If I can really give up that I SHOULD BE a different way than I am. Because all that does is cause me to suffer and feel bad. What else do I really get out of it? BEING RIGHT!!!!)
OK – food for thought. (HAHAHAHAHAHAHA)
Have a great night.